Depression and Despair
Depression. Despair. It has consumed me. I feel the weight of its hopelessness constantly. It echo’s in every single move I make. It is like an acid. It gnaws at me and prevents me from finding a source of hope for my future. Ironically, though despair aligns itself to a psychological diagnosis, I find it very much present in my physical body. I am worn and depressed. I am physically tired and I feel great stress and exertion to do anything other than to isolate myself in my room and stare at the ceiling. My mind is empty and tired. I know the depression has begun to engulf me like a huge wave sucking me down in a giant ocean. The despair? The despair is in the continuous effort to move forward and be pushed two steps back. It is an emotional barometer inside me that indicates that I am nearing my breaking point.
Despair sucks the life and energy out of the prospect of potential growth. We have not chosen to come to this bleak and dark place, but yet we are here none the less. Whatever the initial cause of our pain, it has ended in despair. An aching hole within our very essence that radiates negativity and pain that holds us down emotionally and leaves us feeling as though we have little to no resources left within us. Despair is extreme hopelessness that shadows over us as we try to look up and pull ourselves forward. What are we to do when we have come to this lonely and miserable point in our lives? We feel hope is lost and we begin to accept the final implications of our situation. For some, it is financial duress, for others it is a deep emotional pain that reminds us we are on a dead end path and that we must fight the urge to die quietly on the side of the road, but instead we must look for another path to lead us to a more manageable, positive and serene state of mind. We look for a more productive and enlightened path to take us away from our depression and despair. We know that we are at a point in our lives, that we have to consciously make a decision to keep pushing forward or to give in to the black hole that is despair.
It is at this point that many who are overwhelmed with despair end their journey. For others, it is a point in the road that we come to realize that we must begin to make decisions and changes in our life. It is imperative that we align ourselves with someone who knows our struggles. This person may not know the details of your pain and personal despair, but they do know that awful feeling of being pulled under the wave of despair. It is at this point that we must make painful decisions for ourselves, for our future, and how we plan on breaking away from the path that has led us into despair. We must create a new objectives and be willing to to begin the painful steps toward a new goal.
Despair is a feeling of extreme hopelessness and frustration. Most of us recognize in ourselves when we have come to the point of extreme despair. Hopefully, this feeling will motivate us to go for professional help to learn the origin of our pain. If we already know from where our pain evolves, it may be time to finally admit that we cannot continue in the direction we are going and that we need help. It does not need to be anything more than a desire with us to have better, more peaceful days. There is no harm in getting help for despair. The feeling is coming from somewhere in your mind, and it could be an issue or event that you have blocked out of your conscious thoughts. We do that sometimes when memories cause us great pain. That does not indicate insanity, only pain. It is okay to ask for help and then to follow through and get it.
I am not a Psychiatrist, or even a therapist. But… I have experienced the weight on my chest and shoulders of a deep and dark, heavy despair. It literally aches inside you and you feel like you are being consumed by it. It is hard to make the first call or even the first visit, but somewhere in all that, you get a quick burst of fresh air and you are able to take in a deep breath. That makes you want to come back for more. Why? Because it works, plain and simple.
I will go further and barter that if you stick with therapy, you may find out there has been more on your mind than you realized. There are a lot of bricks in the walls we build around us. A good therapist will help you find that wall and take it down piece by piece. Oh, by the way, I will not lie to you and say it is easy or even that it gets easier after a few sessions. I will say that if you are hurting and if you are in despair, then you know without being told that you need help. You can hurt alone or you can hurt while you are climbing out of the holeof depression and despair. Since you are already hurting, why not take a chance on feeling better. Make some inquiries about therapist in your area, or in close by towns if you want secrecy.
I will tell you this, when I finally decided I could not handle the despair and pain anymore, I knew I would be sucked into this black hole by the heavy weight that was pulling me down. It has taken some time, but now I can see progress in my attitude toward my life now and my future. Without detail, I thought I was over being abducted and raped; after all, it was over 20 years ago. You know the game, suck it up and forget about it. The only problem is that no matter how far you push it back, you don’t ever forget. Then come the pesky nightmares and anxiety attacks to remind you the pain is still there. For me, it was my daughter turning the age I was when I was abducted. That was horrible for me. I would panic every time she went out the door. I cannot begin to tell you how much of an impact that had on her. I scared her silly.
Despair is pain for anyone who lives with it. Just remember, you do not have to live with it. There is another road, granted there is some work and pain involved, but it leads out of the black hole one step at a time. We only need to give ourselves the permission to allow ourselves the time and energy to do whatever it takes to start healing. Eventually, you will find yourself pushing away from despair and walking into the light of hope.